This paper consisted of more grammar and sentence structure errors than usual because it was my first. I had pieces of passive voice and improper quoting of materials because I hadn’t learned the proper format of those things yet. Once those issues were cleared up my largest issue was the introduction paragraph.
The issue with the introduction paragraph was that the diction I was using was too vague and pretentious. I revised this paragraph by first reading through and seeing how the points I was trying to make could be made in a simpler fashion. I also read through to see if there was a different perspective I could take on the subject. To revise my diction, I cut out the words that I felt danced around my point and from there I reworded the sentence to get straight to the point. This practice allows me to evade extra words in my sentences.