Here is a job ad, and here is the resume submitted as part of an application for it (try not to be too critical of the formatting of the resume–it was not written for WordPress–just look at the kinds of experience the applicant has to draw on).
Below are two versions of the letter Hugh M. Major wrote in applying for this job. Which should he use? Why? What additional modifications would you auggest?
Answer these questions in your reply to this post.
Here’s Version 1 of the letter submitted along with the resume:
| April 13, 2015
Cambridge Educational Services Dear Hiring Manager, I am writing to express my interest in the Test Prep Writer position advertised by your company. I am a graduate of the University of Illinois with a major in English, and I feel that my written and verbal communication skills would suit me well in this position. As indicated on my resume, I spent the spring of my senior year as an intern for the American Literary History academic journal. In this position, I edited and proofread essays, as well as utilized my superb attention to detail in assessing the quote and fact accuracy in these essays. Additionally, I volunteered during my junior and senior years as a peer reviewer and copy editor for Re:Search – The Undergraduate Litery Criticism Journal at the University of Illinois. In this position, I reviewed paper proposals, to assess their clarity and potential to be turned into lengthier papers. These experiences, combined with my clear and straightforward writing style make me an excellent candidate to fill this Test Prep Writer position. Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to hearing from you soon. Sincerely yours, Hugh M. Major
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Here’s Version 2 of the letter submitted along with the resume:
April 13, 2015
Dear Hiring Manager,
I am writing to apply for the Test Prep Writer position advertised by your company.
As an English major at the University of Illinois (BA expected May 2015), I have sought out opportunities to use my communication skills to advance education. As a junior, I took part in disseminating the best of undergraduate literary criticism in a variety of roles on my department’s undergraduate academic journal, Re:Search. I carefully analyzed research proposals from students as a peer reviewer, and as copy editor, I used my painstaking attention to detail to make sure that the final essays communicated clearly and in strict adherence to MLA style. In my senior year, I have been able to apply these skills to a faculty-run journal, American Literary History. As an intern, I edited and proofread essays for final publication, along with checking quotes and confirming facts.
In working for both of these journals, I have been motivated by the desire to disseminate information about academic subjects I care about deeply and to play a role in the process of education. As someone who got into the University of Illinois with a 32 ACT score and maintained a 3.51 GPA, I know how life-changing good test scores can be, but as someone who has administered standardized tests for NCS Pearson, I understand the complex role of testing in education. I am eager to participate in developing the materials that make it possible for all students to excel, regardless of background or school, and I would like the opportunity to bring my skill in communication and analysis to bear on this task.
I hope to speak with you further about my qualifications for this position.
Sincerely yours,
Hugh M. Major
I would recommend that Hugh use the second letter. Although it may seem lengthy, his letter seems more sincere and presents him as a much more thoughtful candidate. It also includes information about his own test scores and GPA, which are important to include in this application. To avoid turning off employers from the lengthiness of his letter, I might suggest dividing the letter into more focused chunks to improve its organization. I would also suggest specifying where Hugh found the posting for the position in the first sentence.
Looking at the job ad and his resume, I would personally send the second cover letter out! It is a bit lengthy and wordy so I would advice Hugh to shorten it; however, it has important details that make him a good candidate for the position. The first cover letter seems to repeat the same material that is on his resume. There is more value in sending the second one out because it says more about his character while still discussing why he is qualified for the position.
Upon reviewing the two letters I would personally send the first letter. The first letter addresses the specifics of the company you’re applying to and isn’t generic. It’s simple and concise. The second letter goes further into detail but seems fake and is very long. Some of the words in the letter are off-putting (like “painstaking”) and the language just sounds a bit too desperete. I’d put a more condensed version of letter 2 into the format of letter one and simplify the language, cold email style.
After reading the job posting and looking at Hugh’s resume, I think he should definitely be sending the second cover letter. The first one is concise, but it just regurgitates information from his resume in slightly more detail, but even less than in the second one. He also just essentially says “I’m right for the position, here are some things I did” which makes the letter one that he could be sending to any company for really any position, and if I was the hiring manager, I would put it off to the side. In the second letter, however, he actually brings into play the position and how his experiences have prepared him for that. He also uses much more descriptive language and you can get a sense of how he writes and of his personality coming through his letter, and I think that’s important. It’s slightly longer, yes, and people usually say to keep your cover letter short, but the fact is, if I was the hiring manager I would recognize that he was actually interested in this particular position and wasn’t sending the same letter to every company.
I think that the second letter is certainly more in-depth, but too long and talks only about how Hugh has benefited from everything, rather than explaining how Cambridge Educational Services would benefit from HIS service in the position offered. The first is concise, but lacks depth, and uses the word “superb,” which is rather stuck-up, and saying “pain-staking” instead, like in the second letter, would have been more appropriate. The second letter also sets Hugh up as someone who is inflexible and rather rigid (“strict adherence to MLA”), but definitely explains his various experiences in greater detail. To be honest, I can’t really decide which one Hugh should choose to send– I might say the combination of the two letters, omitting verbose, unnecessary paragraphs and editing word choice, would be the best.