I revised this essay based on Ms. Mary’s feedback. Firstly, I fixed minor grammar errors using Ms. Mary’s comments. Since this paper was the first major assignment I had this semester, there were a big amount of minor issues in the paper. I need to pay attention to those details, and keep practicing them in the future.

The first big change of the essay is the title. My original title is “Want a sweat date? Get Corolla!” After revising, the new title is “Sex In Car Ads: Want A Sweat Date? Get Corolla!” By adding “Sex In Car Ads:” the tile now is more specific and easier for readers to understand.

The second change is that I took off the whole paragraph in my original essay. The first paragraph what talking about the definition and benefits of advertisements. It is very vague and does not contribute to my essay besides increasing word counts. So I decided to get rid of the paragraph.

The third change is the qualifier part of the essay. I used many big words such as “issues”. After revising this part, now the qualifier paragraphs are more specific and detailed.

The most important lesson I learned from completing this revision was that always paying attention to details. The flow and ideas of the original essay were not bad. However, when I reread it, many of the sentences were two general, so they did not have strong strength to convince my readers. In my future writing, I should always remember to work on details to get good papers.