General Reflection:

The first attempt of writing this research paper was absolutely not a successful one. I should have identified that the research paper is an argument research paper, and therefore the thesis statement should be argumentative.

However, since my thesis statements in the first draft was mere a summary of some scholarly fact, there was nothing to argue, and therefore my essay, based on the failed thesis, was only a shallow analysis and combination of the sources.

Moreover, Prof. Mary pointed out that my boundary between sources and my own ideas were not clear because of the lack of proper signal phrases. This failure undermined the overall quality of my research paper.

During the discussion with Prof. Mary about my thesis, I found that sufficient communication with the instructor was extremely beneficial of the course performance. As a result, I began actively contacting Prof. Mary whenever I have questions.

When I looked at the commented rubric before revising the paper, I realized that every assignment had its own educational purpose, and the purpose could be easily identified in the rubric. Thus, for the last assignment, the portfolio, I carefully looked and analyzed the rubric. I hope that I can have a significant improvement in that assignment.

Responses to Prof. Mary’s comments:

 Who is “we?” People in general?

I changed it to “people.”

Good acknowledgment of your source, but how about a signal phrase to show us where it begins?

You need a signal phrase here. For example, …he had depression, which the World Health Organization says is characterized by  “sadness, loss of interest or….”

good use of rebuttal in your paper.

But again, a lack of signal phrases means we don’t know where your analysis ends and the source material begins.

Good use of in text citation, but without a signal phrase, I am not sure where this source material begins.

Okay, here, because you don’t use a signal phrase, I can’t tell whether this is your own analysis or from Holland (the next citation).

As I read the comments, I found that I missed several signal phrases; as a result, I added signal phrases to every point that I would like to use sources in my writing.

Don’t put extra spaces between paragraphs.

I changed them.

This is an expletive construction. Here is a mini-lesson about why you should avoid them here: http://grammarhelpenvisionrevision.blogspot.com/2014/07/expletive-constructions_9.html?view=magazine

I changed this portion to: “but plenty of researches have been done to answer the question of who is more vulnerable to mental health problems.”

Good signal phrase to introduce and acknowledge your source material.

Okay, but so far I don’t see an argumentative thesis.

Okay, and again, with a lot more information and specificity, THIS could be developed into a thesis. What SPECIFICALLY do you think schools can do to help students overcome bulimia?

Okay, here you begin to identify the problem more specifically.

Okay, this statement is slightly argumentative, but not quite a thesis.

Okay, is this something you think schools should do? If so, can you take the leap from saying that schools are “capable of providing these protective factors” to a stronger statement? Do you think they SHOULD provide these protective factors? If so, you need to say so directly, and that would help develop a strong thesis.

Lack of an argumentative thesis is another major problem of my research paper. I deleted some vague analysis and changed all those sentences to an argumentative thesis. The paper structure was also revised in response to these comments.

This signal phrase shows that you are continuing material from the same source, so you need a citation at the end of this statement. Also, you should follow your citation with some of your own analysis.

: Since you follow this citation directly with more material from the same source, you do not need this citation. Instead, provide on parenthetical citation directly following the end of the source material.

I revised this part through putting the in-text citation after I was done with the material.

 For help with possessive nouns and apostrophe use please see section P4 of your handbook

I should change it to “individuals’,” although I deleted this portion.

Book, movie, play and periodical titles should be italicized or underlined. Articles, stories, and other short works should be in quotation marks. See P5c,MLA4b & MLA5 in your handbook.

Italicize journal titles, too.

I italicized all this required parts.

To be fair, he was a student many years ago. Princeton probably does have such support now.

But more importantly, here would be an excellent point to develop your thesis. I think I remember from our conversations that you think that universities should offer services to help students struggling with disorders, but so far, that is not in your paper.

I changed my thesis in the direction of this comment. Moreover, for the first part of this comment, I actually explained the confusion in another paragraph. However, in order to avoid confusion, I revised the structure of those paragraphs.

What is the “correct direction?” Do you think social media companies like Facebook and Twitter can help solve this problem? If so, then this could develop into a thesis, but you would need to be more specific and direct. So far, I have not identified a thesis in your paper.

I deleted this part.

This is a special non-count noun that doesn’t take a plural. Please see section E3-b of your handbook for help.

another non-count noun.

…knowledge… not …knowledges…

I revised it.

This information has an odd placement. Why not define the parameters of your paper at the very beginning. Why here at the end?

I placed it to the opening of the essay.

Compliments: 

Good, specific title.

Good signal phrase to introduce and acknowledge your source material.

Good use of personal example.

Good analysis.

Good observation.

Thank you, I should keep doing them.

Extra Changes:

I substantially revised the thesis statement, structure, and works cited page of this paper.